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Come, let me tell you... a story... *S* - "You didn't hear about the polar bear?"
February 24th, 2004
08:58 pm


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Come, let me tell you... a story... *S*
I hope you all don't mind, but I decided that I wanted to re-read the Funny Story (aka The Hilarious Story), and it occurred to me - why not post it here? I thought that those of you who helped write it would enjoy seeing it again, and those of you who haven't read it might just enjoy it. *G* Plus, it goes down better in small doses!

What is The Hilarious Story? *G* Well, it was a story written in round-robin fashion over at the old Prancing Pony - first just a few words at a time from each person, in turn - then whole sentences - then whole pages! I'd love to put it up here in the way it was written, as posts, so that you can see where one person leaves off and tosses the ball to the next person to catch - *G*. Part of the fun was making it as hard as possible to continue! But this is the "combined" version, so you'll just have to guess where one person's writing ends and the other's begins..

Who were the writers? Well, myself, Hyel, Anonypooh, Tootsiemuppet, Anime Mechanique, and Poppy were probably the most regular contributors, but Elanor started it, Black Waltz drove us crazy with plot twists ("contortions" is more like it!), and others such as The Pope also contributed (who have I forgotten??? Let me know!). It's starts off a little "all over the place", but by the second "chapter" (my arbitray designations), I think we started to hit our stride.

But first - a foreward! *G* And, BTW - this is new....


We begin in a clean, smug smial, a crackling fire with flames flickering light over the walls, the wafting scent of pipeweed, and a comfortable, homey voice reading aloud:

"He turned to the worried Hobbits - "There's only one thing that can save your Mister Baggins now...you must undertake a perilous journey to bring back the Magic Toothbrush!""

The small hobbits listening to the story teller gasped as one, their faces rapt in attention, only to be distracted by a voice from the next room.

"SAM! Sam, are you reading that awful piece of trash to the children AGAIN!?!?", cried the Master of Bag End, his normal dulcet tones raised in annoyance.

The reader shook his head and rolled his eyes as he replied. "Oh, Mister Frodo - you know it won't do them no harm! It ain't one of your fine Elven stories, but there's nowt wrong with it, and the children do love it." The only answer was a resigned groan from the next room, and the quiet scratching sound of writing being resumed.

The storyteller's apple-cheeked wife giggled and whispered to her husband, "He's only jealous because he hardly figgers into this story at all! *L*!"

"I heard that!" came the voice again, in mock indignation, "And you only like it, Master Samwise, because you figure so prominently in it!" The reader's face blushed as his wife Rosie fell against him, laughing, the children following her example with high-pitched giggles.

"Well, now, if you're not wanting to hear the rest of the story..." the aforementioned Samwise huffed, starting to close the book.

"No, no, we want to hear the rest!" cried his audience, and they cheered when the smile returned to Sam's face and he obligingly opened the book again, and began to read.

Now... if you'd like to follow Samwise's example, perhaps you'd be best off reading it from the beginning....


One day Sam woke up and saw a purple grape hanging on the ceiling!

"Looks like it's going to be a vine day today," he commented sleepily to noone in particular.

He sighed and walked into the wall as he hadn't had first breakfast yet and couldn't function well on an empty hobbit stomach.

"Lor!", he exclaimed. "How long has that wall been there?" He looked around, confused, "And...where might I be?"

"You are in the house of Elrond, Frodo Bag---WHA? WHO ARE YOU?? What did you do with FRODOOOOOOOO!" cried a voice and Sam saw a wizard that looked a little like a mud puddle but that was NOT Gandalf.

No! It was Radagast, who had been aiming for revenge ever since he got cut from the movie and had therefore decided to take up the wonderful art of mud-wrestling, and thus earned his nickname "The Brown".

Radagast laughed hysterically as he bombarded Sam with stinky mud. Sam was disgusted at the display from the brown Istari but nevertheless he instinctively returned fire; he was reminded of snowball fights in The Shire, except this was more squidgy.
Suddenly the door burst open and Frodo ran in, wearing a banana suit, and carrying Gollum under one arm and a giant oversized mallet in the other. He threw Gollum down on the ground.

"Sam! Sam, I'm scared..." Frodo panted. "I don't know what's happening! The Morgul blade, it's...changing me -"

Frodo stopped suddenly, eyes glazing over, his voice changing as he pulled out a carrot, and, after taking a bite, he started to speak in a strange voice: "Ehhhhh...what's up, Doc?"

He then reached for the oversized mallet and hit Sam across the head. Sam rubbed his head and yanked the carrot from Frodo's hand, tossing it to Merry who had just entered the room.

Merry clumsily caught it and exclaimed "Yay! Just the right size!" He then looked confused, and, turning to Frodo, he asked: "Why are you wearing a banana suit?"

Frodo looked down at himself and frowned. "Actually, I have no idea," he said. "A fair maid gave it to me a few sentences ago - said it complimented my eyes".

"Yeah, yeah - very pretty." huffed Radagast, storming out. "It's obvious I'm not wanted in THIS story either!"

Sam gasped - he'd suddenly remembered that Frodo had had Gollum under his arm when he entered. He looked around and saw Gollum creeping along the ground, trying to sneak away.

Sam cried out: "PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"

Gollum looked down on himself and screamed. He had never noticed that he was nude. In a last desperate attempt he rolled in the mud that Radagast had left behind and huddled up into a little lump of hobbit under a table, afraid to make eye-contact with the rest of the group, who (by now) were too shocked too react.

Frodo, still with his oversized mallet in his hand, suddenly opened his mouth and his chin fell to the ground and his eyes started to pop out of their sockets. Immediately after that, he fainted.

Sam looked at his master, rushed to his side, and called out for Merry. "Quick Mister Merry! Fetch Lord Elrond...I've heard about these symptoms before - Mister Frodo has Bakshi Animation Syndrome - it's just awful!"

Gollum took his opportunity and sneaked out from under the table toward the place where Frodo dropped his oversized mallet. He picked the giant thing up, crawled over to Sam and raised it up high (nearly toppling backward from the weight). He was just about to deliver a blow that would give Master Samwise a major headache the next day when he slipped on a giant banana peel, flying up in the air and landing on his back!

Yes, Sam had acted quickly to peel the banana suit off of Frodo, leaving him in only his Elven PJ's, and had thrown the suit behind him, much to Gollum's dismay. Frodo's face kept distorting in a cartoon-like fashion, changes coming in quick succession.

Elrond entered, with Merry swift behind, and calmly appraised the situation: one naked, unconscious Gollum, one distressed, slightly muddy Samwise and one Frodo - eyes now bouncing in and out of their sockets (on large 'boingy' springs), steam coming out of both ears and feverishly murmuring under his breath "I...tawt..I..taw..a puddy tat!".

"This is an extreme case of BAS indeed" said Elrond, "It may be beyond my skills to heal. What I am going to need is... a fork, a knife and a spoon, and some of the finest veggie meals you can bring me. For I cannot operate on an empty stomach."

He looked around and noticed Gollum was lying flat on his back, not showing any sign of breathing. Elrond walked over to him, placed his head on Gollum's chest and listened intently. The faintest sound of "thu-dud thu-dud" was heard. Elrond picked up the small creature and put him on a soft bed with feather cushions and silken blankets.

After a while he turned back to Sam, who still sat beside his unconscious master, shook his head slowly and said "If only I had a carrot that was just the right size..."

He looked around and spotted Merry who was just tip-toeing out of the room. "Hey, you, perian, are you going to get my dinner?"

Merry stopped short and smiled wryly. "Of course, one veggie meal coming up."

Elrond nodded contentedly, then turned back to Sam. "What is it with people and that master of yours?" He sighed. "Why does everybody fall head over heels in love with turquoise eyes, alabaster skin and ebony curls?" He glanced at Gollum who was drooling on his pillow. "We elves (ahem Half-Elves) at least know true beauty when we see it. Grey skin, big white eyes like saucers, four teeth and a dead sexy accent."

He slowly shook his head. "I think it's time we show the fans who's the real hottie in this story."

Sam immediately pointed at himself. "Me?"

Elrond rolled his eyes and shook his head. "This appears to be beyond your understanding, Sam."

After one last longing look at Gollum, he turned his attention to Frodo, still undergoing strange contortions on the floor.

Elrond frowned, saying: "This will require very serious Elvish healing."

He at once began dancing and leaping wildly about, singing:
"Abracadabra, hocus-pocus,
Bring this hobbit into focus!
By Elbereth, please spare this hobbit something quite atrocious!"

Merry re-entered the room, having managed to delegate his waitress duties to Arwen, and he and Sam watched this display in disbelief.

"I don't think this is going at all well, " groaned Sam.

As if in agreement, Elrond stopped rotating and chanting and scratched his head
"errr - Hong Kong Phooey, it's all gone screwy? What's up doc..he's now in shock?"

He turned to the worried Hobbits - "There's only one thing that can save your Mister Baggins now...you must undertake a perilous journey to bring back the Magic Toothbrush! It is told among the wise that it once belonged to Sauron when he was still more than just an eyeball. It was his secret weapon. Myth has it now that he used a little gold band to rule the world... but the truth is that he could blind whole armies at once with his whiter than white teeth. The magic toothbrush, made by the Elves (who are very keen on dental hygiene), now lies in either Narchost or Carchost... the Towers of the Teeth." He turned to Sam and said "Do you think you are up to it?"

Sam whispered worriedly: "Merry, is it just me, or has Elrond gone off his rocker???"

Merry replied: "Unfortunately, Sam, I fear not. Did Bilbo never tell you the old tales?" He shuddered. "There is more besides - I have heard stories of the Brushwraiths - The Nine Molars..terrifying creatures whose Minty Breath is feared by all!"

Sam paled and gave Elrond his answer: "What must I do?"...

(to be continued...)

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

Date:February 24th, 2004 06:21 pm (UTC)
Bless you! (((((((((Ros)))))))))
I've so been wanting to read it again - and I never did get to the end...
*keels over in mirth*
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Date:February 25th, 2004 02:24 pm (UTC)

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